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 part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin

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jjkanes
Great Surfer
Great Surfer
jjkanes

Number of posts : 236
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Registration date : 2009-04-13

part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Empty
PostSubject: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin EmptyWed Apr 15, 2009 2:42 pm

anyways i suddenly feel a pain in my heart and drop to the ground and i drop rockhopper and then i feel like im diein and then my eyes r closin slowly and the last thing i see is yarr the puffle standin in front of me with a bottle of piosen......TO BE CONTINUED
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pitchy1098
And the new Administrator is... ...LOLAnd the new Administrator is... ...LOL
pitchy1098

Number of posts : 731
Age : 22
Location : U.K., England, Bath
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Registration date : 2009-01-05

part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Empty
PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin EmptyWed Apr 15, 2009 10:55 pm

its all very... samey... its a good start but here is some constructive critism...

1) use commas and '...'s! They add to tension!
2) I know its a rough but i can onlly count 0 full stops! you need to use them otherwise if someone was reading aloud they'd never be able to stop for breath so it sounds very very very very Strange! <-- Like that
3) Its vionlent... i hope theres a happy ending in this!
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jjkanes
Great Surfer
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jjkanes

Number of posts : 236
Location : somewhere chillin out
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part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Left_bar_bleue0 / 1000 / 100part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Right_bar_bleue

Registration date : 2009-04-13

part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Empty
PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin EmptyThu Apr 16, 2009 2:26 am

lol there is a happy endin and thank u for the tips i was just writin cause i was bored and plus i was just writin watever i could think of
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pitchy1098
And the new Administrator is... ...LOLAnd the new Administrator is... ...LOL
pitchy1098

Number of posts : 731
Age : 22
Location : U.K., England, Bath
Infractions : Adminity is insanity!
VIP Points :
part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Left_bar_bleue100 / 100100 / 100part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Right_bar_bleue

Registration date : 2009-01-05

part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Empty
PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin EmptyThu Apr 16, 2009 11:31 am

ah that makes sence! You just got carried away in your train of thought huh?
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jjkanes
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jjkanes

Number of posts : 236
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Registration date : 2009-04-13

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PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin EmptyFri Apr 17, 2009 9:19 am

yeh exactly wat happened, i think
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