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 part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin

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jjkanes
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PostSubject: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:42 pm

anyways i suddenly feel a pain in my heart and drop to the ground and i drop rockhopper and then i feel like im diein and then my eyes r closin slowly and the last thing i see is yarr the puffle standin in front of me with a bottle of piosen......TO BE CONTINUED
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pitchy1098
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PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   Wed Apr 15, 2009 10:55 pm

its all very... samey... its a good start but here is some constructive critism...

1) use commas and '...'s! They add to tension!
2) I know its a rough but i can onlly count 0 full stops! you need to use them otherwise if someone was reading aloud they'd never be able to stop for breath so it sounds very very very very Strange! <-- Like that
3) Its vionlent... i hope theres a happy ending in this!
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jjkanes
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PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:26 am

lol there is a happy endin and thank u for the tips i was just writin cause i was bored and plus i was just writin watever i could think of
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pitchy1098
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PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:31 am

ah that makes sence! You just got carried away in your train of thought huh?
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jjkanes
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PostSubject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin   Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:19 am

yeh exactly wat happened, i think
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