jjkanes Great Surfer
Number of posts : 236 Location : somewhere chillin out VIP Points : Registration date : 2009-04-13
| Subject: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:42 pm | |
| anyways i suddenly feel a pain in my heart and drop to the ground and i drop rockhopper and then i feel like im diein and then my eyes r closin slowly and the last thing i see is yarr the puffle standin in front of me with a bottle of piosen......TO BE CONTINUED | |
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pitchy1098
Number of posts : 731 Age : 26 Location : U.K., England, Bath Infractions : Adminity is insanity! VIP Points : Registration date : 2009-01-05
| Subject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Wed Apr 15, 2009 10:55 pm | |
| its all very... samey... its a good start but here is some constructive critism...
1) use commas and '...'s! They add to tension! 2) I know its a rough but i can onlly count 0 full stops! you need to use them otherwise if someone was reading aloud they'd never be able to stop for breath so it sounds very very very very Strange! <-- Like that 3) Its vionlent... i hope theres a happy ending in this! | |
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jjkanes Great Surfer
Number of posts : 236 Location : somewhere chillin out VIP Points : Registration date : 2009-04-13
| Subject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:26 am | |
| lol there is a happy endin and thank u for the tips i was just writin cause i was bored and plus i was just writin watever i could think of | |
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pitchy1098
Number of posts : 731 Age : 26 Location : U.K., England, Bath Infractions : Adminity is insanity! VIP Points : Registration date : 2009-01-05
| Subject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:31 am | |
| ah that makes sence! You just got carried away in your train of thought huh? | |
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jjkanes Great Surfer
Number of posts : 236 Location : somewhere chillin out VIP Points : Registration date : 2009-04-13
| Subject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:19 am | |
| yeh exactly wat happened, i think | |
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| Subject: Re: part 2 of that rough draft about club penguin im writin | |
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